It just occurred to me that I will have been back in San Diego for one year next week. I hate it here. I know what you are thinking… SAN DIEGO! HOW COULD SHE HATE SAN DIEGO??? Yes there are great beaches and the weather is nice almost year round, as a matter of fact, San Diego is coming into it’s beautiful weather season… The weather is never better here than in the winter. But the water is cold and so are most of the people. I want to not hate it, really I do. San Diego was not my first home and it won’t be my last, but I have never had an easy time here. San Diego is for the wealthy or the people that don’t give a shit that they aren’t wealthy and don’t mind just getting by. I am not either of those types of people. I’m certainly not wealthy but I have grown accustomed to a certain lifestyle and now I am not able to live it. Since coming back here and deciding to go back to school it’s been one trying week after another. So much so, that I have gotten really good at crying just to relieve some of the stress.
I didn’t want to come back here. At all. Italy is where my heart is. Actually anywhere but here, is where my heart is. I find most San Diegans, artificial, shallow and apathetic. I’m not sure if I was like this before I left. I’d like to think I wasn’t, but something in me has definitely changed.
I’ve been living like this for a year and something has to give. I was happy in Italy. Really and truly happy. The people there say Buon Giorno and mean it. Here they barely look you in the eye when you walk past them. There is art and culture and places to go with your friends in the evening where you can get a little drink and some free food with it. Not here. Admittedly, the public transportation leaves something to be desired, but at least it isn’t full of smelly homeless people. Just smelly thieving Gypsy’s, which is part of the culture that makes Italy so interesting. Here I am suspicious of everyones intentions, there I can afford to be a tad naive. There drinking is more of social gathering and here people get drunk. Period. I feel more alone than I have ever felt, living in this city with three million plus people.
That is not to say that Italy was perfect. It was not. There were many days that I felt alone and disconnected. But what I realized much too late is that everywhere you go you can feel this way. So it is my mission to change that part about myself. To try and see this place in a new light. It won’t be easy. I have been spoiled by the simplicity of life in Italy. It’s easy to do. There is a lack of appreciation to just live, here. People don’t live here, they just exist and that is what makes me so down on being here. My mission is to change my attitude.
I have finally moved into my own postage stamp sized apartment, so maybe once I get things back in order for myself these feelings will all dissipate.
Writing soothes me. It’s a release of feeling and thoughts and emotions that I can’t shake with everyday life, so maybe by restarting this journal and talking about everyday mundane things, which here really are mundane, I will be able to change my shitty attitude. It’s worth a shot. Four more weeks of school and then a 6 week break, let’s see what I can accomplish in that time!