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Well, I moved home to help my ailing mother and nothing has been right since. I am homesick to the core of my being for Italy. I miss the life, my friends I made there, and I miss the food. Most of all I miss being happy. I haven’t really been happy since I came back to the U.S. I don’t like it here. Maybe I am missing the nuances of being lucky enough to have been born in the United States? I try to like it/appreciate it, really I do, but nothing good seems to happen to me here. It’s almost as if the universe is screaming out at me that I no longer belong here and to leave as quickly as possible. That’s not possible. I decided to go back to school since coming back and now I am stuck until I finish. So as of right now my life is this: I moved into an apartment I can no longer afford. My beloved Shane died. The last guy I dated destroyed my MAC, my Nikon and my new phone. He had a drug induced freak-out and I lost. I have no job and my car was stolen on January 2nd, yay, happy new year to me. To top all of this off, my cousins friend decided to stir a pot that wasn’t cooking, right after the boyfriend debacle, so my cousin hasn’t spoken to me since July, and my son came to visit my mother and now my son isn’t talking to me, because as per the usual, my mother said something that wasn’t fair or true, and he is now  insisting that I have lied to him and I need to get help. I have never lied to him, why would I? Do Santa, the Easter bunny and tooth-fairy count? What did I miss while I was trying to make my life better?? Things just feel as if they are going to hell in a hand-basket. And to top this all off I am forced to live in a country that has elected a prepubescent juvenile delinquent for its president!

WTF?!

Trust me, I may sound like I’m whining, but I’m not. I have been looking for a job for three months! With a short stint in-between at GoDaddy, after 2 weeks there, I somehow failed their, “don’t you wish you were smart (cool) enough to work here” test. I failed in by 1%. I had to pass by 80% and I got a 79%, which means I missed 11 questions on the test, there is just no way. It was open book. I’m a 4.0 student. I am still laying in bed late at night trying to figure that one out. If anyone who reads this can do some percentages math for me by all means shoot me a message. I have had interviews with at least 6/8 companies and have filled out 100’s of applications. I go in with a healthy attitude and walk out depressed. Please don’t tell me that I need to be positive so the universe will hear me. She is not listening and I am at the end of my patience rope. My faux aunt keeps telling me to finish school. I love her for having something positive to say,  and supporting my emotional ups and downs, after all, no one else is, but what happens when I finish and I can’t find a job? I have experience NOW and I if I can’t get my foot in the door somewhere, what difference will it make once I have that stupid piece of paper? I’ll have this great piece of paper, a very expensive piece of paper, that I borrowed a lot of money to get, that I can no longer pay back.

Let’s talk about the job hunting experience. I have read several blogs and articles and advice columns on how to get through an interview. What I have decided is that, A) it’s not what you know but who you know and, B) If you are a certain age, they aren’t going to really look at you unless you really look like you are willing to be paid $11-$13 and hour. First off, who can live on that? Second,  it’s daunting to go to these interviews and be interviewed by someone half my age. Not that I’m that old, but it’s still really frustrating. I feel like i’m in some circle jerk where if I don’t have the piece of paper I can’t get the job, but if I don’t have the experience for the job it doesn’t matter if I have the piece of paper. How do kids just out of college do it? I guess that’s why you go to college young, so that when things go to shit, you can still lean on mommy and daddy?? I swear that when I finally do get my dream position, I will make sure that every person over the age of 40 that interviews with me, will get a job somewhere in my company!

When I started back to school, one of my cousins, who worked for an a big logistics company, told me I should go back to school to be a business analyst. I thought, awesome! I can do that, I like computers and I’m good at managing several things at once. I’m a good communicator. I’ll be great at this job. She let me know that she would have a position for me when I graduated. Great, Right!? Wrong. She has since left that company and is now living in her nice new, big house, all in love with her girlfriend, and has all but forgotten about our plan. OK. No worries. I am really happy that she is happy. If anyone deserves it, she does. But now what am I going to do? Pretty soon I’ll have a degree and ZERO experience and no job prospects.

OK, I am whining, but I feel like I am perfectly justified in doing so. When can I get off the shit merry-go-round? I never should’ve left Italy. I thought I was doing the right thing by coming back to help my mother. After all, she was crying. I tried to help her but that women is psycho. If my son is any indication, the fruit really doesn’t fall far from the tree and he better watch it, karma really does come to collect. Do the sins of the parents really follow the children through life? If that’t the case, I am working my ass off to break that cycle. Hopefully he won’t get this disease. Which brings me to my relationship with my mother.

Have you ever known that throughout your whole life you were just one great big disappointment to at least one of your parents? No matter how hard they tried to be affectionate, they just couldn’t get past the fact that you weren’t what they wanted? That’s my mother and I. My mother wanted a boy. I even had a boy name, she was going to name me Patrick. She is Patricia. I wonder how my father felt about that one? My relationship with my father was great. No matter where I went or what I did, I always knew he loved me unconditionally. My mother was a whole other story. As a child, as long as I did things she could be proud of, like make pretty pictures in art class, and keep my room like a museum I was loved. But the second I was unruly, or didn’t make my bed, I was despised.  As a teen, she let her abusive boyfriend beat her and then come after me and still she let him back into her life, and she let him into my son’s life even after I asked not to. As an adult I learned that if I dated the right guy i.e, one with money, that came from a family with money, I was once again loved. She hated my husband, and was so pissed when I was pregnant that she once tried to hurt me by opening the dish washer onto my stomach. Of course once I had my son, I wasn’t loved, he was. And the hits just came coming from her. I moved him as far away from her as I could, because I could see the manipulation starting when he was about 8. She would tell him he could do what he wanted and that he didn’t have to listen to me, and then when I finally gave up and moved him to his father in Virginia, she found a way back into the graces of my ex-husband, even though he knew what she was about. Several times since she has found a way to manipulate my son to the point that he hates me and feels that I am the toxic one. Not once have I lied to him or not been there for him as only I could. I have never told him that he is not loved, or that he can’t be whatever he chooses to be in life. I have always supported him and loved him, no matter. Have I made mistakes? Of course. I certainly have regrets as a parent. The best, most perfect parents in the world feel that they somehow wronged their children, but I know that without a shadow of doubt, he has always been the most important thing in my life, and I know that he knows this.

I have never felt that feeling from my mother. Ever.

One reading this can see why I whine. I’m tired and my heart hurts. I just want to be back in Italy. Things weren’t perfect, but I was a hell of lot happier.

And so, I ask, what would you do if you were in my shoes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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