I have realized that all I was doing was whining about the, ‘left turn of events’ that my life has taken since coming back to San Diego and how everything I wrote or thought was negative. I am, by nature, a fairly positive person. A glass is half full kinda girl. I have also realized, that in order for my life to get back to where I want it to be, which is in Italy or anywhere but here (If I’m honest) I need to change my shitty attitude and get a new perspective.
I’ve been living with my best friend Petra, her husband and their two year old since April, and while that may not be ideal, I have to give thanks everyday that I have had them to fall back on for help. I realized just the other day, that I have somehow managed to replace the love and good advice I would’ve normally gotten from my father with Petra’s friendship. Everyone should have a friend like Petra. She is the Christopher Robin to my Winnie-the-Pooh. My life editor. And my life has been in need of editing lately. The other day she ever so lovingly and politely told me to, basically, get my shit together and figure out what it is that I want, and go for it!
Now that I have put myself on sort of track to get out of the U.S. again, the clouds finally seem to be clearing and I can see the path. Unfortunately, my path has not diverged, but ‘tri-verged’ and I am need of a sign of some sort to help me choose.
I have always been a big believer in fate, and being at the right (or wrong) place at the right time. Now that I have narrowed my possibilities into three very different scenarios, I am having trouble picking one. So I will leave it here to my fellow readers and friends to help me out. Maybe some clarity will come solely out of writing??
Scenario 1: I find a better job here in San Diego by September and move into a roommate situation and continue on with my studies until I graduate. It will take about 3 years at this point. I will essentially be starting over.
Scenario 2: I go back to doing hair, save $7000.00 to get back into SCAD and finish my degree there. Not my favorite scenario because I really hated going to school there and didn’t feel like I was getting much of an education for the amount of money I was spending. Around $80K in the end for a Graphic Design degree. But, if I don’t go this route I will be giving up about 70 credits toward my gradution. And a lot of money, already spent.
Scenario 3: I found a school out of New York, that has a school in Italy. I would be able to attend the school full time and continue my Italian and Art History Studies there and gradate in about the same amount of time as Scenario 1. Now of course this seems like the ultimate choice and it’a the one I am leaning towards, I just need to save enough money to move and do all the paperwork that it’s going take to get into school in a foriegn country! I’ve done it before and it’s a pain in the ass. I will also need to have a job while I’m there. Which means trying to find one from here. One thing to look forward to, is that I will have a place to live…
I’m sure most people will look at this and say, “Go for Scenario 3!” And I want to, I really do! But saving that kind of money takes a lot of time and I am not some young kid who can just work 80 hours a week. My body hurts and my bones ache. It’s also scary. I have a funny feeling that if I leave this time, I won’t be coming back. I’m not so much afraid of the adventure but afraid of what I might miss here, at home. Focusing on what matters is scary also. I don’t want to miss out on my son’s life. What if he decides to get married and I can’t afford to come back to the US? What if he needs me? Or what about my Mom? What about being without the ‘bestest’ friend a girl could ever have? And what do I do with all my shit?? And of course, what about Shane? Do I really want to drag him all the back across the Atlantic at the ripe old age of 14?
I know what Petra would say, “Michelle, you have to do what is best for you. You only have this one life and you need to live it.” I guess it’s time to stop worrying about the, ‘what if’s’ and just go for it, whatever ‘it’ is…